Treating Someone Like Family... That's the Problem.

by Josh Talbot

This last holiday season reminded me of something that happened to my little sister. 

After I had moved out on my own, but my little sister was still a child. Something happened with my Aunt's family. My Aunt, her husband, and all 5 kids moved in with my parents. Suddenly, instead of 3 people living in a decently sized house (Mom, Stepfather, and one kid), it was 10 people under one roof that was way too small.

My cousins were loud and always yelling at each other. Picking on each other just short of bullying. They were used to just grabbing anything that the other sibling had that they wanted. Basically, a normal, slightly dysfunctional, large family.

For my little sister it was incredibly traumatizing. She was Home-schooled. Used to a quiet environment where the adults read, watched TV, and spent their days on the computer (my parents were early adopters). She hated every minute of it. Just wanted my cousins to stop taking her stuff and leave her alone. Resented every insult (they thought she was over sensitive when they picked on her). Basically, it became her version of a living Hell (mine is going through a retail store closing).

After my Aunt's family moved out. My sister refused to have anything to do with my cousins for a long time. Actually, it was only recently that she started talking to them...

One day I was visiting the oldest of my Aunt's children. My cousin (who is now 35) said to me. "I don't know why your sister hates us so much. We treated her just like a sister." I told her the honest truth. "That is probably actually the problem. Do you like how you and your siblings treat each other?' (The dysfunction never really stopped.) It was like a light dawned in my cousin's eyes.

Since we grew up in it. We often don't realize how dysfunctional our own family dynamic is. It's only when someone else points it out to us, that we realize we have a problem.

This is honestly a major problem for most new couples. Either the new SO has their boundaries ignored and becomes resentful. Or the reverse happens, and the new SO violates boundaries and is offensive to the other family members. Which makes it even harder when there are actual issues....

The same thing definitely happens in Church and Business. Honestly, if I am interviewing or going through orientation at a new job and someone says to me "we're like a big family here" it's one of my warning signs that it might be a bad place to work.

Churches are even worse about it. If someone doesn't agree with specific Doctrines, or live up to unspoken (or even spoken but inappropriate) standards. The church can become an incredibly hostile place for that person. To be frank, the vast majority of the Nones and the Dones state this as the reason they no longer attend church. Honestly, it's happened to me with my wife's church once (a specific location, not the whole Denomination).

While it has never happened to me. I know for a fact that  churches and meetings in my own Denomination of The Religious Society of Friends can be like that as well.

So, we have to ask ourselves. When we say we treat everyone like family. Is that a good thing or a bad thing.

Posted with permission. Original found here.